Should you ever stay together for the kids?

Is it ever a good idea to stay together for the kids?KBy Kellie ScottABC LifestyleTopic:Parenting12m ago12 minutes agoWed 18 Feb 2026 at 3:15amThere are practical reasons a couple with kids may choose to stay together, such as finances. (Pexels)abc.net.au/news/should-you-ever-stay-together-for-the-kids/106281890Link copiedShareShare articleEnding a relationship is rarely easy, especially when kids are involved. It's why some parents consider staying together for the children, explains Gabriella Pomare, a family lawyer and co-parenting coach. "I see it all the time in my practice … it usually comes up when life feels too big to blow up," she says."Little kids. A mortgage. School routines. Shared friendship groups. Maybe one parent is financially dependent. Maybe they're terrified of doing handovers, two homes, Christmases apart, explaining it to grandparents, explaining it to the kids."She says staying in the familiar discomfort can feel less scary than stepping into the unknown.But is it ever a good idea to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the kids?And how would that work?A quick note on safetyIf your relationship or household is unsafe, contact 1800 RESPECT, the national body for supporting people impacted by domestic, family or sexual violence.If someone is in immediate danger, contact Triple Zero (000).Easier to stay than goHow 'birdnesting' keeps kids in the family homeCouples ending their relationship are increasingly considering birdnesting, a co-parenting arrangement where children remain in the family home while parents alternate living there. There are practical reasons a couple may choose to stay together, for example, finances or caring responsibilities, explains Carly Dober, a psychologist and policy coordinator at the Australian Association of Psychologists.A fear of starting over may also keep at least one person wanting to stay."They might think, 'I'm anxious about being on the dating scene again' or hear stories from friends about what it's like now."They might think 'Is it really worth blowing up my whole life to go and do this?'"She says change — even if it's wanted — can be stressful."That can keep a lot of people from making a decision that is best for their partner and the family unit."Sign up to the ABC Lifestyle newsletterGet a mid-week boost and receive easy recipes, wellbeing ideas, and home and garden tips in your inbox every Wednesday. You’ll also receive a monthly newsletter of our best recipes.Email addressSubscribeYour information is being handled in accordance with the ABC Privacy Collection Statement.Ms Pomare says there isn't always tension, either, which may make it seem easier to continue the relationship."Sometimes it's not even explosive conflict, it's quiet disconnection. Two people co-existing. Flatmates. No intimacy. No joy. No real partnership."Perceptions of a 'broken home'Some people believe a "broken home" is worse than an unhappy marriage, says Ms Pomare."Culturally, we've been taught that separation equals damage."[Parents] imagine trauma, instability, loyalty conflicts, financial stress, lost routines. And all of that can be hard."But she says kids are unbelievably perceptive, and that often gets overlooked.Children detect "emotional undercurrents", says Ms Pomare, such as distance, resentment, silence, micro-conflict, eye rolls and withdrawal "even when parents think they're hiding it well"."People convince themselves staying is protective, when sometimes it's just familiar."While research shows that children's mental health can be negatively impacted by separation, it's generally due to exposure to conflict and the parents' mental health.Australian research from 2020 shows that most parents report their children "fared well" after separation."Parents generally provided favourable reports of their child's health, learning, peer relationships and general development," the Australian Institute of Family Studies research shows.More harm than good?If both partners are on the same page about the arrangement, and parenting as a strong team, staying together might work.Ms Dober says parents should consider what behaviours they are modelling for their children."Healthy relationship behaviours will set your children up for pretty good mental health and health relationship reference across their lifetime."What are they seeing every day?"Households that are tense, where there are frequent arguments, or it's "obvious something awful is happening", she says, may impact children's wellbeing and leave them feeling insecure about the future.Ms Pomare says children growing up around chronic tension and unresolved conflict might normalise disconnection or walking on eggshells, for example."Kids also internalise energy. A house can be calm on the surface but emotionally heavy underneath."When staying together for the kids can workIf both par