‘I Didn’t Like Myself’: David Archuleta on Shame, Stardom, and Salvation

"I asked myself which is better, ending my life or possibly being gay," says the American Idol alum and author of the new memoir Devout New Testament ‘I Didn’t Like Myself’: David Archuleta on Shame, Stardom, and Salvation "I asked myself which is better, ending my life or possibly being gay," says the American Idol alum and author of the new memoir Devout By Fred Bronson Fred Bronson February 16, 2026 David Archuleta details his struggle with his faith and sexuality in his new memoir, 'Devout.' Nick Spanos* David Archuleta is 35. When he was 17, half a life ago, he competed on season 7 of American Idol and won the hearts of million. But while viewers thought they were watching a composed teenager, that was far from the truth. “I was absolutely terrified on Idol,” Archuleta reveals to Rolling Stone in an hour-long conversation about his first book, Devout: Losing My Faith to Find Myself, out Tuesday, Feb. 17. “I had never admitted to myself that I had feelings for guys. I acknowledged that there was something wrong with me when I was 12. People would tell me that boys who like boys are bad, and girls who like girls are bad. That’s why I started praying about it. The first time I had feelings for a boy was when I was in second grade and I talk about that in the book. From that point on, I felt the need to hide.” Archuleta was a high school student when he was named the runner-up of Idol‘s seventh season in 2008. (David Cook was crowned champ that year.) “I was known as the quiet shy boy who smiled and never said anything. I had been bullied when I was younger for being a sissy and being feminine. So, I didn’t want to be looked at. On American Idol, I was worn out from constantly being afraid and constantly feeling like I had to have my guard up. I couldn’t sing my song and then leave,” he says. “They were filming me. They wanted to know about me, and my mannerisms were exposed.” It was a conflict for the young performer, who wanted to sing and share himself with the world but feared he would be rejected if people found out he was queer. “I didn’t like myself. Luckily, the producers liked me. They wanted me to do well and they portrayed me as this happy, sweet boy-next-door — I tried my best to be that,” he says. “I was a sheltered Mormon kid who grew up in Utah and was home-schooled a lot of his life and was socially awkward. People found that endearing.” At the same time, Archuleta was developing a huge fan base from his performances on Idol, including many LGBTQ+ viewers. “I didn’t understand why. After I came out [in June 2021], a lot of people told me I was their ‘gay awakening.’ It was the first time they realized they were attracted to men,” he says. “I was in so much denial on Idol and yet I was the representation of a queer young teenager on national television struggling to figure out who he was.” Editor’s picks The 250 Greatest Albums of the 21st Century So Far The 100 Best TV Episodes of All Time The 500 Greatest Albums of All Time 100 Best Movies of the 21st Century Archuleta first thought about writing a memoir shortly after he came out publicly. (He came out privately to his family seven years earlier.) “I realized I was in a position where I could tell my story and shed more light. At the time, I was still going to church. So I thought, what can I say to help people in my church community know that there were people like me here,” he says. “I had never realized that there were queer people in the Mormon church until I came out. Five people in my own congregation wrote me directly and said, ‘I’m like you.’” In his early days of coming out, Archuleta felt too embarrassed to attend church with his own congregation, so he found another place for services. “There was a grown man, and I knew one of his kids, who was already an adult. I left early because I felt uncomfortable mingling with everyone. This man chased me down and said, ‘Brother Archuleta, I am like you.’ I could see the desperation in his eyes and he said, ‘I can’t tell you how hard it has been,’ and I realized people like him were hiding because the church doesn’t want to admit that there are people in their congregations having a hard time. I thought, ‘Someone needs to say something about this,'” Archuleta says. “In my book, I talk about someone coming up to me in an airport while I was on tour. He asked me, ‘How did you come out?’ I asked him, ‘Have you been having suicidal thoughts?’ and he said, ‘I’ve been having them for the last month.’” Related Content ‘American Idol’ Music Supervisor Robin Kaye to Be Honored Posthumously at Hollywood Event How to Watch ‘American Idol’ Season 24 Online Without Cable ‘American Idol’ Comes to Jesus, Finds Rebirth in Faith-Based Music Man Charged with Murdering 'American Idol' Exec and Husband Declared Mentall